I’m Coming Out. Response to NikkiTutorial’s video

So proud of NikkiTutorial nikkie de jager for coming out and sharing her story!

It’s so easy to label people as ‘man’, ‘woman’, ‘gay’, ‘straight’, ‘bisexual’, etc. However these labels do not define who we are. Even so, I’ve struggled with something that I don’t know how to ‘label’ to make it understandable, but I’ve struggled with my role as what society thinks a ‘woman’ should be like.

I’ve struggled with my gender for a long time. Not in that I didn’t feel I shouldn’t be in a female body, but that I shouldn’t be labeled as ‘female’. I’ve always had very feminine interests-I love makeup, skincare, fashion, hair, ballet, figure skating. Anything relating to sports put me to sleep.

However, I never felt that I was ‘feminine’ in the way society wanted me to be. My personality is what society would consider as ‘masculine’: I am blunt, I value getting things done, efficiency, industriousness and I’m fiercely independent. This is simply who I am. I’ve struggled in many relationships, both platonic and romantic, because I didn’t “fit in” into a mold of what people thought I was: society would see me as a young attractive girl with nice hair and pretty dresses, and assume I would act accordingly to how I looked. But when they found out I wasn’t whom they expected, many would ghost. I often thought there was something wrong with myself.

I tried to change myself. I watched so many ‘learn the feminine mystique videos’ and try to make myself soft, vulnerable, fluid, sensitive. I tried to be overly warm and kind, to agree with others even if I didn’t, to downplay or not to mention any of my successes or accomplishments. Stroke the ego.

But I felt suffocated.

Because that wasn’t who I was, or am. I am who I am. I am me. Yes I am a woman anatomically, and yes I have ‘stereotypical’ female interests, but female doesn’t define me. There is no set rule for what constitutes ‘male’ or ‘female’, much like there is no rule for what dictates ‘CEO’ or not.

And so, at this current state, I have learned to accept I am who I am. I am not defined by my position, my body, my gender, my bank account, my skin condition, my house, my relationship status. What I look like on the outside doesn’t define who I am on the inside!

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